Happy beginning of May. Winter is looming and I've put on my fluffy socks.
I haven't written anything decent in the past four weeks (yikes) so I'm trying this simple tactic of writing under chosen headings for each letter of the word BACON, turning it into an acronym (inspired by Arden Yum's Ad Hoc).
Today's categories are: Budgeting, At the Moment, Consuming, On Writing, and New Faces.
Before I go into each letter, I'll start with a non-acronym [Bacon], which to me simply means something bad. I'm not really a natural hater so I'll allow myself to complain a little.
This is not at all high-stakes intellectual writing or stimulating at all really and most likely will be very boring…
[Bacon]
The last month has been kind of rife with bacon. My days have been wonderfully mundane and yet full of existential dread. I've been struggling to find motivation to do anything, struggling to care about important life things I should really care more about, and have experienced a big temptation to go back to smoking.
Getting addicted to nicotine is probably my biggest regret in life (so far).
It's not exactly a regret in the sense that my addiction is not a mistake or something I think could have gone differently; it seems inevitable in almost every possible path my life could have gone as long as I try it just once. But maybe that's the addiction talking. Is there a version of my life where I don't experience a period defined by nicotine dependence? I guess I just can't imagine it.
It's been just three days since my last hit of a vape, but around 5 months since I last bought my own. I've been consecutively 'quitting' for the past year or two, each time with what I think is serious conviction. Though I haven't fully succeeded yet and the withdrawals come back every time I succumb on a night out, I stand by my quitting and genuinely feel that life is better when I'm not hitting a vape every 5 to 10 seconds. Take that as my final verdict. I do not recommend this to anyone.
So that’s my bacon—the haunting of a nicotine addiction I haven’t been able to shake off yet. The Nicabate mints might be what finally gets me there through negative association because it gives me major headaches.
[B]udgeting
I've been barely going out as a result of a simultaneous state of stress and lethargy, as well as the goal to save money. Every couple of days I calculate my funds to see how much I will have for my trip to Vancouver in June—I'll be there for 6 weeks, reunited with my long-distance partner. It's really the only thing keeping me going so I'm very excited.
I've somehow spent the whole of last year jobless, going on an exchange semester, travelling, then graduating university, but largely dilly dallying with one person and getting caught up in love, which has become my full-time occupation.
I've practically used up all the money I saved from working over the years and am currently accumulating Depop earnings to spend on more fun and spontaneous things in Vancouver. I'm rummaging through my closet on a daily basis, looking for what I can bear to part with to put up for sale. Taking photos and making listings on Depop is a lifeless task but the dopamine I get when I receive a notification that I've sold something might be worth it.
[A]t the Moment...
I am sneezing constantly in my room either because of allergies or the mould is getting to me. We have a water leaking problem in the house. The place is old and there's cracks and holes in the tiling of the bathrooms. The landlord sent a professional waterproofer to come in and check it over, using a UV spray thing and everything. I didn't know there was such a profession as a waterproofer. There's a corner of my room right in front of the on-suite bathroom where the carpet is constantly damp (often so wet it soaks up a whole towel), and there is fungus growing around the corners and under the floor—fun. Right above the wet spot is the part of my ceiling that cracked and leaked water during the 2022 Sydney floods so I don't doubt that there is an issue here.
[C]onsuming
Eating: I'm currently on a scrambled eggs with cottage cheese and spinach breakfast fixation. Also lots of coconut water and chocolate, which is very unlike me.
What I Watched in April: Love Lies Bleeding in cinemas, American Psycho (my first time) and Juno (also my first time), which I really loved.
Watching: Better Call Saul, Friends, and Poor Things—I’m struggling to finish this one.
Songs on Repeat: Coma by Caroline Polachek, What It Feels Like for a Girl by Madonna, MASC by Doja Cat, To Forgive by The Smashing Pumpkins
Reading: The Dispossessed by Ursula K. Le Guin
Other bits I recommend:
This Esquire article originally published in 1996, about the myth of marriage and reflections on love
A comprehensive essay by Kyla Scanlon about the limitations of language and how technology and dopamine culture collapses time
My Anxiety by Lauren Oyler, about living with anxiety
An interview with Ocean Vuong where he speaks about teaching, writing, finding yourself, vulnerability, and so much more
A [love] letter from Steve Albini to Nirvana, pitching himself to be their sound engineer
[O]n Writing
I recently finished reading On Writing by Stephen King, a part autobiography/memoir and part writing guide. I really enjoyed the life story half and hearing about King's misadventures growing up poor in rural Maine. In the writing guide half, he makes clear the (obvious) need for a writer to write consistently and as much as possible. I didn't enjoy the technical advice as much but it was still enjoyable and motivational. Before this book I also didn't know that Stephen King had gotten into a life-threatening car accident in 1999.
I'm aiming for one Substack post a week. They say there is lots of bad writing before the good stuff. Sorry.
[N]ew Faces
This is me realising that I can’t think of many words that start with the letter N.
I recently joined a book club and attended my first meeting, held at a small café in the CBD. There was a total of eight people in attendance. Despite not reading that month's book (it was Pachinko, a past DNF of mine that I did not attempt to revisit), I had a lot of fun and met some interesting people.
There was one guy I met who sat next to me, who upon seeing a Substack notification appear on my phone asked me if I was "a writer, by any chance." I said "maybe" and I think my consecutive cryptic answers pissed him off, but I was really just embarrassed.
Thank you for reading!
Love it!